


thoughts and feelings (which are always about you)

by lvrtooru



Series: angst fics [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Third Person, Rants, Sad Ending, Suna Rintarou-centric, This is just a rant, breaking up, but its just a thought, like a lot, very much angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29639307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvrtooru/pseuds/lvrtooru
Summary: Were Osamu and Suna really not good for each other?This question haunted him. It was always swallowing his thoughts, drilling the most stable parts of his brain into dust till he’s crying on his bathroom floor at 4 in the morning, mascara running down his cheeks, his mind a haze and it’s almost like he can taste insanity on the tip of his tongue.Until Osamu would come in, somehow knowing he was in this particular state, though Suna has never talked about these nights with anybody and doesn’t ever plan to. He’d grab a single tissue and sit next to Suna, wrapping an arm around his lanky shoulders, and would silently and slowly wipe the tears off his cheeks.
Relationships: Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Series: angst fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2193810
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	thoughts and feelings (which are always about you)

**Author's Note:**

> TWS are:
> 
> mentions of suicide, disassociation, and implied depression + anxiety

Osamu is perfection and grace, doing everything seamlessly with precision.

Suna isn’t. He is the exact opposite. He is full of flaws and pride, always uninterested in what other people have to say.

Osamu and Suna aren’t right for each other, and never will be.

He has heard this phrase countless times, and it always seems to kick him in the back, making him snap back into reality and face his actual problems, though he is as reluctant as ever. He was always one for confrontation, unless it’s with himself, unless he has to realize who he has become and why he’s the way he is. Unless he has to fix the mess he’s made again and it almost seems like it’ll never stop and it’s just a revolving cycle of him redoing everything he’s always done wrong.

Were Osamu and Suna really not good for each other?

This question haunted him. It was always swallowing his thoughts, drilling the most stable parts of his brain into dust till he’s crying on his bathroom floor at 4 in the morning, mascara running down his cheeks, his mind a haze and it’s almost like he can taste insanity on the tip of his tongue.

Until Osamu would come in, somehow knowing he was in this particular state, though Suna has never talked about these nights with anybody and doesn’t ever plan to. He’d grab a single tissue and sit next to Suna, wrapping an arm around his lanky shoulders, and would silently and slowly wipe the tears off his cheeks.

And Suna would stare at him. How he looked in the soft glow of the bathroom lights, the way they framed his angles perfectly. How his bored expression and heavy eyebags was a perfect copy of Suna’s face. How he looked like an angel come to life, brought down from the heavens to care for him and love him like he deserved.

And God, how Suna could see his beat-up reflection in Osamu’s eyes and how he was baffled that he wasn’t disgusted or tired of him yet. Osamu stared back sometimes too, eyes filled with affection and desire and Suna knew he looked at him the exact same way.

Then Osamu would carry him back into his bed and sometimes he would stay the night, but he never slept in enough that he was right beside Suna once he woke up. And Suna would redo everything he had the day before, because there was nothing to ever look forward to anymore, since everyday was the same and the only thing that actually brought him happiness was the gray-haired boy who would wait outside his dorm room, all fresh and ready for the day, while Suna was still hungover from hours before.

But, in the end, Osamu was not good with affection, which Suna craved, as well as attention and the somehow reassurance that he would never leave his side and that they would be together, forever.

But, in the end, Suna was not good with handling his feelings, and because of this, he would become annoyed at every little thing that happened, things that not even Osamu could control.

And that was their downfall.

They both craved different things, different personalities, and different people.

But Suna  _ misses  _ this.

He misses the fights about everything and everyone. He misses the toxicity, the jealousy, the controlling. He misses all of it. And he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop.

Because most of it was his own fucking  _ fault. _

_ He  _ started these fights,  _ he  _ was the toxic one,  _ he  _ was the one who always got jealous.

And there’s nothing he can do about it anymore, because now, Osamu’s gone, taking all of Suna with him. Taking Suna’s secrets and all the things he’s afraid to say to anyone else. Taking all of Suna’s love and memories and all the effort he put in to get better, to  _ be  _ better for Osamu.

But, in the end, everything falls apart, nothing is set in stone, and sometimes your heart gets broken, and you can’t change it, you can’t change anything, because that’s the way the world is. Selfish, unfair, horrible.

* * *

Suna wonders a lot. He wonders how Osamu is. He wonders if he’s okay, because they broke up right after high school, and in response, Suna moved far away from him, to escape the memories, to escape everything.

He appears in his dreams. Because Suna will never stop loving Osamu, even if he does hurt him sometimes.

But he knows Osamu will never come back. He realized how bad they were for each other and decided to do something about it, unlike Suna.

Suna sometimes liked the pain. He liked having to be on his toes around Osamu, because anything Suna could say would set him off, causing them to not talk for hours, days, or even weeks.

Osamu realized how unhealthy they were for each other. He realized how Suna drained him of everything and how he was changing him to a completely different person than he wanted to be.

So, Osamu left, taking just the only other thing Suna loved.

His friends.

So now, Suna has nobody, will continue not having anybody, because who could love a freak like him? A reject, somebody who needs to be high to be happy?

Who would ever love him again? For all his flaws? Nobody, because everybody now understands that Suna is a bad person. Everybody is realizing it, unattaching themselves from Suna slowly, trying to soften the blow, because even after everything, some still do care. They still care about how he is, if he’s doing all right, if he won’t kill himself anytime soon.

And the worst part is that not even Suna cares about these things anymore. He doesn’t care if his body is slowly deteriorating, making his arms feel like jelly. He feels as though he isn’t real sometimes, that maybe everything  _ is  _ a hallucination, and he’s only living for the pain, for the drugs, for the sex with random strangers, which will never be as good as it was with Osamu.

But Suna is still alive. He’s still here, he still craves the same things. He doesn’t want to be left by everyone and everything. He doesn’t want for everybody to leave him alone, like he says he does. Because, once again, Suna cannot handle his emotions. He cannot express himself like he wants to, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to.

Everything is happening too quickly, and it’s too much for Suna to handle. Everything is falling apart, and all he wants is for everything to stop. All he wants is some peace, something that’ll ease him through the pain, because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to take this anymore.

It’s almost as if everything is a chain reaction. Everything in his life is a chain reaction. One thing falls, and everything else does, too. And the thing that hurts him the most is he can’t fucking _ control _ any of this shit. He can’t make everything stop, like he’s been wishing. It  _ kills  _ him to not be able to make his life go the way he wants it to go. It kills him that he can’t control the people in his life, make their decisions for them, so they all go Suna’s way, so he doesn’t get hurt anymore.

And everything isn’t only about Osamu. It isn’t always about him. There are so many other factors, so many other problems that make him the way he is now and make him snap at everyone for saying one thing that bothers him.

And in the end, people get tired of this. They get tired of putting up with his bullshit and just himself in general.

And the worst part is that Suna is, too.

**Author's Note:**

> hi lol i hope you liked this um this is literally just a rant of what's happening to me rn and i just wanted to make it osasuna so boom i did also thank you ash for being #1 friend and getting me through everything that's happening to me i love you


End file.
